The idea of “having it all” is a seductive narrative, one that promises the perfect blend of career success, family harmony, and personal fulfillment. But let me be honest: it’s a myth. A deeply ingrained, culturally reinforced myth that often leaves working mothers feeling like they’re falling short. I know this because I’ve felt it too—the guilt of missing a school event because of a faculty meeting, the exhaustion of staying up late to finish a research paper after putting the kids to bed, the nagging sense that I’m not doing enough in either role. But here’s what I’ve come to realize, both through my professional training and my personal journey: balance isn’t about having it all. It’s about redefining what “all” means and creating a life that aligns with your values, your priorities, and your humanity.
From a psychological perspective, the myth of “having it all” is rooted in societal expectations and cognitive distortions. We’re bombarded with images of “supermoms” who effortlessly excel in their careers while raising happy, well-adjusted children and maintaining a spotless home. These images create unrealistic standards that can lead to feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and burnout. Cognitive behavioral theory tells us that our thoughts influence our emotions and behaviors. When we buy into the myth of “having it all,” we set ourselves up for a cycle of negative thinking. Thoughts like, “I’m failing as a mother,” or “I’m not successful enough in my career,” can trigger feelings of shame and anxiety, which in turn make it harder to function effectively in either role.
But here’s the good news: we have the power to challenge these thoughts and rewrite the narrative. Mindfulness, a practice I’ve come to rely on both personally and professionally, teaches us to observe our thoughts without judgment. When I notice myself falling into the trap of “I should be doing more,” I pause and remind myself: “I am enough. I am doing my best.”
So, what does balance look like when we let go of the myth of “having it all”? For me, it’s about embracing imperfection and prioritizing what truly matters. It’s about recognizing that some days, my work will take center stage, and other days, my family will. And that’s okay.
One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned as a working mother is that balance isn’t a static state—it’s a dynamic process. It’s about making intentional choices and being willing to adjust as circumstances change. For example, there are weeks when my research demands more of my time, and I have to lean on others to help. And there are other weeks when I intentionally scale back on work commitments to be fully present for my daughter’s milestones or simply to recharge.
Mindfulness has been a game-changer in this process. By practicing mindfulness, I’ve learned to tune into my own needs and values, rather than being driven by external expectations. When I feel overwhelmed, I take a few moments to breathe and ask myself: “What is most important right now?” Sometimes the answer is finishing a grant proposal. Other times, it’s hanging out with my child. And sometimes, it’s simply taking a moment to rest and replenish my own energy.
Practical Strategies for Redefining Balance
If you’re a working mother struggling with the myth of “having it all,” here are a few strategies that have helped me redefine balance in my own life:
Clarify Your Values: Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you. Is it advancing in your career? Being present for your children? Cultivating your own well-being? Once you’re clear on your values, it becomes easier to make decisions that align with them.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to commitments that don’t align with your priorities. This might mean declining a work project that would require too much time away from your family or setting limits on how often you check email at home.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. When things don’t go as planned, remind yourself that you’re human and doing the best you can.
Embrace Imperfection: Let go of the idea that you need to be perfect in every role. Some days, you’ll be an amazing professor but a tired mom. Other days, you’ll be a present, loving parent but a bit behind on work. And that’s okay.
Create Mindful Moments: Integrate mindfulness into your daily routine. Whether it’s a few minutes of mindful breathing in the morning, a mindful walk during lunch, or a gratitude practice before bed, these small moments can help you stay grounded and present.
As a psychology professional, I know that the pursuit of “having it all” is a setup for disappointment. But as a working mother, I also know that letting go of this myth can be incredibly liberating. When we redefine balance on our own terms, we create space for what truly matters: meaningful work, loving relationships, and a sense of inner peace.For me, “having it all” no longer means excelling in every area of life simultaneously. It means showing up as my authentic self, embracing the messiness of life, and finding joy in the small, imperfect moments. It means knowing that I am enough, just as I am.