Somewhere along the way we all got sold the idea that we could have it all. The big career, the happy family, the clean house, the yoga body, the homemade lunches with the little notes in them. I bought it too. I’d like a refund.
Because here’s what “all” actually looked like for me. Missing a school event for a faculty meeting and feeling sick about it all afternoon. Putting my daughter to bed and then sitting back down to finish a research paper at eleven at night. Walking around with this low hum of not enough, not enough at work, not enough at home, not enough anywhere. That’s not having it all. That’s doing it all, badly, while tired.
And the supermom on social media isn’t helping. You know her. She runs a company, her kids eat kale on purpose, and her kitchen has never once had a pile of mail on the counter. I don’t know her personally, but I’m fairly sure she’s not real. Still, she gets in your head. You start thinking things like I’m failing as a mother, or I’m not where I should be at work, and once you believe it, you feel worse, and when you feel worse, you do worse, and then you’ve got proof. It’s a nasty little loop.
What helped me get out of it was mindfulness, which mostly means I’ve gotten better at noticing that voice instead of just obeying it. When I hear I should be doing more, I stop for a second and answer back. I’m doing my best. That’s enough. Some days I even believe it.
So I’ve stopped chasing balance like it’s a place you arrive at and get to stay. It’s not. It moves. Some weeks work gets most of me, because a grant is due and that’s just how it is, and I call in help. Some weeks I pull back on work on purpose so I can show up for my daughter, or just lie down for a while. Neither week is failing. It’s adjusting.
When everything feels like too much, I take a breath and ask myself one question. What matters most right now? Sometimes the answer is the grant proposal. Sometimes it’s hanging out with my kid. And sometimes, honestly, it’s a nap.
Practical Strategies for Redefining Balance
If you’re a working mother struggling with the myth of “having it all,” here are a few strategies that have helped me redefine balance in my own life:
Clarify Your Values: Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you. Is it advancing in your career? Being present for your children? Cultivating your own well-being? Once you’re clear on your values, it becomes easier to make decisions that align with them.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no to commitments that don’t align with your priorities. This might mean declining a work project that would require too much time away from your family or setting limits on how often you check email at home.
Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. When things don’t go as planned, remind yourself that you’re human and doing the best you can.
Embrace Imperfection: Let go of the idea that you need to be perfect in every role. Some days, you’ll be an amazing professor but a tired mom. Other days, you’ll be a present, loving parent but a bit behind on work. And that’s okay.
Create Mindful Moments: Integrate mindfulness into your daily routine. Whether it’s a few minutes of mindful breathing in the morning, a mindful walk during lunch, or a gratitude practice before bed, these small moments can help you stay grounded and present.
As a psychology professional, I know that the pursuit of “having it all” is a setup for disappointment. But as a working mother, I also know that letting go of this myth can be incredibly freeing. When we redefine balance for ourselves, we create space for what truly matters: meaningful work, loving relationships, and a sense of peace. For me, “having it all” no longer means excelling in every area of life all at the same time. It means showing up as my authentic self, embracing the messiness of life, and finding joy in the small, imperfect moments. It means knowing that I am enough, just as I am.