As a working mom, I’ve been told the goal is balance. I’ve been chasing it for years. I’m pretty sure it’s a mirage, and I’m pretty sure it’s laughing at me. Most days I’m just trying to get through the list without forgetting something important, like a deadline, or a doctor’s appointment, or my own lunch.
Here’s my job title, more or less. I have a Ph.D. in psychology. I teach high school. I teach college. I teach yoga. I talk to people about mindfulness for a living. Then I go home and do the hardest job of all, which is being a mom to a kid with a chronic illness. That one doesn’t come with a syllabus, or a lunch break, or anyone to email when it goes sideways. I love it. It also flattens me sometimes. Both are true.
People hear “mindfulness” and picture a woman on a mountain in white linen. That woman does not have a parent portal to check. For me it’s a lot less pretty. It’s paying attention to what’s actually happening instead of the twelve things I’m worried might happen. It’s noticing the hug at the end of the day while I’m getting it, not later while I’m doing dishes and planning tomorrow. It’s eating dinner with my family and actually tasting the food. Wild concept, I know.
I wish someone had told me sooner that you don’t have to wait for quiet. If I waited for a quiet moment, I’d still be waiting. I do it in faculty meetings. I do it while I’m stirring the sauce. I do it in the middle of teaching a yoga class, which you’d think would be the easy one. It is not, because I’m counting breaths for twenty people and wondering if I left the stove on.
Self-compassion is the part I’m best at teaching and worst at doing. I tell my students to go easy on themselves, then spend the whole subway ride home listing everything I screwed up. Missed an event. Forgot to answer an email. Ate cereal for dinner. Again. Mindfulness didn’t fix that, but it helps me catch it. I can stop and say, okay, I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got today, and today what I’ve got is cereal. And it’s fine to ask for help. I’m still working on that one. I’m working on it.
So if you’re a working mom, or honestly anyone who’s tired, you don’t need a silent retreat. I mean, if someone wants to send me on one, I’ll go. But you don’t need it. You need a minute, and then another one, and to be a little nicer to yourself than you’ve been. That’s it. That’s the whole secret. Sorry it isn’t more glamorous.
